Provoke Not Your Children to Wrath
In two closely related New Testament verses, fathers are given
these instructions: "And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath:
but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord" (Ephesians
6:4); "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be
discouraged" (Colossians 3:21). While much is said and written about the
need for fathers (parents) to properly train their kids in the spiritual realm,
as per Ephesians 6:4b, it seems that much less is taught about the need for
dads to refrain from provoking their children to extreme anger. Without any
claim to have all the answers or all the wisdom that parents need in rearing
their kids, we set forth the following practical observations.
Provoke not your kids to wrath – what it does not mean:
1. It does not mean never do anything that makes your child(ren)
mad. From time to time kids are going to get angry at their parents when they
step in and "put their foot down" on some matter. A three-year old
that picks up a knife may pitch a fit when his mom takes it away, but mom still
needs to take it away, right? If you want to turn a spoiled brat loose on the
world, then just make sure you never do anything to cause him/her to be upset.
2. It does not mean never correct your children. Jesus said,
"As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten" (Revelation 3:19-21).
Properly administered discipline is not the "provoking" of kids that
the Lord forbids.
3. It does not mean never tell kids that something is off limits
or wrong. The Lord says that those who take part in the "works of the
flesh" will not enter into the kingdom of God (Galatians 5:19-21). When we
restrict our kids from participating in such, they may
4. It does not mean never to force your kids to do something that
they do not want to do. Many kids detest the task of cleaning up their room and
may even get all bent out of shape when they are ordered to do so by their
parents, but forcing a child to clean up his/her room or do some other needed
task is not the "provoking" spoken of in our texts.
5. It does not mean never tell your kids "No, you cannot do
such and such," even though the matter is not sinful in and of itself
(such as buying a new dress or pair of shoes). Kids may throw a tantrum when
their request or demand is not met, but it is not because they have been unduly
provoked by dad or mom. God has given someone the task of making decisions in
the home. And, just who is that? The parents. Children are to obey parents, not
vice versa (Ephesians 6:1).
On the other hand, dads and moms do sometimes unduly provoke their
kids to intense anger. Parents can do this when they:
1. Show partiality/favoritism in the way that they treat their
children. Favoring one child over another, or giving special treatment to one
over the other, can cause anger toward both the parents and the pampered child.
Remember what happened in Jacob’s family when Jacob favored Joseph over his
other sons (Genesis 37).
2. Ask kids for their opinion or suggestions about something, but
never really pay any attention to what the children say and in essence just
disregard it. Parents that ask for their kids’ input into certain matters need
to be honest about the whole thing. If they have no intention of seriously
considering what the kids have to say, they should not ask them for suggestions
in the first place.
3. Compare their kids one with another. This is almost a
guaranteed way to get children angry, and understandably so.
4. Compare their kids with children in other families by saying,
"Why can’t you be more like _______?" Kids want to be treated like
individuals. We need to exhort them to do the right things and give their best
effort in all their activities, but our exhortation needs to be based on Bible
principles, not on comparison with other people.
5. Purposely belittle or ridicule them in front of their peers or
adults. This is a very insensitive act, regardless of whether the one we
belittle is a five-year old or an adult.
6. Call them insulting names. We sometimes say hurtful things that
we don’t even really mean and later regret. Insulting our kids by calling them
insulting or degrading names may cause them to detest us.
7. Try to make all their decisions for them. When our children are
only a few weeks old, or even a couple of years old, parents will naturally be
making decisions about what the kids are going to do in most areas of life.
There comes a time, though, when dad and mom have to back off and let their
kids, with their own distinct personalities and interests, make some decisions
that are important to them. Some dads have provoked teenage kids by trying to
dictate to them where they would go to college, what occupation to pursue, or
even what color of clothes to wear.
8. Do not take interest in the things in which the kids are
interested, such as their hobbies, sports, or school activities. Children feel
hurt when their parents don’t get excited about what excites them. They feel
neglected when their dad and mom don’t make an effort to attend as many of
their activities as possible.
No doubt there are a great number of other ways that
fathers/parents sometimes unduly provoke their kids. Perhaps these practical
illustrations will help more of us to avoid some unnecessary pitfalls in our
efforts to be righteous parents that help guide our kids in the path that leads
to heaven.
Roger D. Campbell
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