How to Save a Marriage
"Finally,
brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever
is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any
excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things."
(Phil. 4:8) We need to practice positive thinking/meditation on many things,
but particularly with the person we are married to. When we have negative
thoughts about that person, thoughts that if unchecked can grow and put a wedge
between us and our spouse, we need to quickly replace them with positive
thoughts.
And while there are times that we can lovingly
suggest ways that our spouse can do things better to our pleasure (and we need
to be ready to actively listen -- which means that we need to carefully
consider making the change suggested -- when our spouses suggest ways that we
can do things better to their pleasure), we need to remember that we didn't
marry ourselves and that different people sometimes do things differently from
the way we would do them. A number of things that have the potential to annoy
us about our spouses need to be quickly forgotten and we need to dwell on
the things that please us about our spouse, not on the things that annoy
us. I know this is sometimes difficult to do, especially when she does something
that REALLY annoys me, but I need to dwell on the positive things. And, I
believe the older men and older women can counsel the couple on dwelling on the
positive about their spouse instead of allowing the negative to destroy the
marriage.
There was a reason that he married his bride and he needs to find
that reason again. Likewise, the wife married her husband because she saw good
things in him. Currently, I am sure that the husband is thinking a number of
negative thoughts relative to his bride and she is thinking negative thoughts
about him. Otherwise it is difficult to see why the marriage has failed. These
thoughts need to be overcome by remembering the reasons they married each other, the
good things they've had in marriage and the good qualities they still see in
their spouse. I might even have the husband draw up a list of things he loves
about his wife and his wife draw up a list of things she loves about her
husband.
In addition, I would counsel the couple to consider Paul's words
in Philippians 2 when he perhaps was tactfully intervening in the dispute
between Euodia and Syntyche. This dispute may have been one of the reasons that
Paul wrote the letter as he sprinkles the letter with a number of examples of
humility. "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility
of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look
out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have
this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He
existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be
grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made
in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself
by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." (Phil.
2:3-8)
I believe this passage speaks loudly to disputes within the
church, even within families. I find most disputes are because one party
demands to be served and the other party refuses to serve them. If both the
husband and wife are Christians, this passage clearly says they are to treat
the other as more important than they are, if not as husband and wife, then as
brother and sister in Christ. Every Christian is to be humble, not to be served
by others, but to serve others. Christians are to put the interests of others
first. So if the husband does not want to do this for his wife, he should be
willing to do it for his sister in Jesus. And if the wife does not want to put
her husband first, she should be willing to do it for her brother in Jesus.
And, I love that Paul uses Jesus as his example, for it takes away
the primary "What if" question: What if he/she doesn't respond to my
putting him/her first and continues to do the things that annoy me? Jesus,
knowing that He would be rejected by the Jews and turned over to the Gentiles,
knowing that He would be crucified by the Gentiles/Romans, submitted Himself to
God's plan, a plan made before the foundation of the world (1 Peter 1:20),
before Adam and Eve's sin, and left the glories of heaven for the travails of,
at very best, a middle-class first-century existence on earth (Joseph was a
"tekton" which is better translated as a skilled craftsman than a
manual-labor carpenter). So when the husband says, "You expect me to serve
this woman knowing she will do this thing that annoys me?" we answer,
"We expect you to follow the example of Jesus who came to earth to
minister to Jews knowing they would reject Him, even to the point of ascribing
His works to demons." And when the wife says, "So you expect me to
serve this man knowing he will hurt me emotionally?" We say, "We
expect you to follow the example of Jesus, who loved Gentiles so much that He
came to earth knowing that they would scourge Him in the Roman half-death and
then crucify Him."
Because I believe that the husband has the greater responsibility
to provide spiritual leadership within the family and, therefore, a greater
responsibility to do what is necessary to keep the family together, I would
take him first to Eph. 5:25-30, 33a and ask him what he thought the passage
meant for him: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the
church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having
cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to
Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such
thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love
their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;
for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as
Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. ...
Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as
himself.”
I would then take the husband to John 13, where Jesus washes the
disciples' feet. This is, at least for me, the most powerful example of humble
service in the Bible. Jesus, through Whom all things were made, gathers up His
clothing, puts a towel on His shoulder, and gets on His knees before each of
His apostles and carefully washes off the mud, animal droppings and who knows
what else was on those Jerusalem streets from their feet. It is impossible to
wash someone's feet without being put in a position of supreme humility. And,
while I don't believe that Jesus calls us to physically wash the feet of
others, it is the principle of leadership humility, servant leadership, that
was behind His washing the disciples' feet, I might even have the husband wash
his wife's feet. Sometimes the act of physically doing something impresses the
lesson in our hearts more than just hearing or talking about it. Further the
good thing about having the husband wash his wife's feet is that she ha s to
submit to him washing her feet, just as Peter had to submit to Jesus washing
his feet. There is humility, many times, in our submitting to the service
others do for us. After I've taken the husband to Eph. 5, I would ask him to
meditate on the words of Jesus in John 13:13-17, "You call Me Teacher and
Lord; and you are right, for so I am. If I then, the Lord and the Teacher,
washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I gave you an
example that you also should do as I did to you. Truly, truly, I say to you, a
slave is not greater than his master, nor is one who is sent greater than the
one who sent him. If you know these things, you are blessed if you do
them." If the One through Whom the entirety of the universe was created,
even down to the husband and wife, can wash the feet of the disciples who He
created, what does His example mean in regards to my relationship with my wife?
If Jesus, my Master and Lord, can take a knee, bend down, exposing His back,
and serve others, what implications does that have for the husband, who is the
head of the family?
And so my brother, my belief is that the husband may be the key.
If you can get the husband to be the true spiritual leader of his wife, humbly
leading her through service to her, truly treating her, and by this I mean in
deeds, not words, as more important than he is, there is a very good chance
that the wife will respond and the marriage will be saved. I strongly believe
that if the husband treats his wife the way Jesus treated the church -- washing
the feet of the disciples, humbling Himself in service, event to death on the
cross -- the woman responds by seeking to serve her husband. I believe this is
the general rule in a mixed marriage, even in a marriage where both are
nonbelievers, but the husband can somehow grasp the concept of spiritual
leadership, and is the tautological rule in Christian marriages. It is
extremely difficult to be a servant leader, but it is the model that Jesus
calls us to, both in the church and in the family. And when we have true
servant leaders, both in t he family at home and the family at church, harmony
always results.
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